Virtual Pet Behaviorist

Your child can develop a safe and satisfying relationship with the family pet that benefits everyone. To accomplish this, you need to pay close attention to the particular needs of both your child and your pet, as well as provide ongoing supervision of their interactions.

A Child’s Ability to Appreciate Animals

As your child grows, he’ll slowly come to understand that animals are living creatures with feelings and motivations of their own. Age and experience will determine your child’s ability and understanding of this. Infants and toddlers can’t distinguish between living beings and inanimate objects. To them, pets are the equivalent of stuffed toys that move. They can’t comprehend that pulling a pet’s tail or hitting the pet with a hard object will cause pain. Most very young children are attracted to pets and want to interact with them. Because of this, they might become frustrated should the pet try to escape their grasp. When they realize they can’t successfully restrain a pet, they might squeeze too tightly or lash out in anger, causing the pet to shy away from future interactions.

By the age of three years, children are capable of playing simple, interactive games with their pets. Using their voice and small treats, they can persuade most pets to pay attention to them, retrieve a ball and join in chase games. Although parents should still closely monitor interactions, children of this age can also learn to respect a pet’s boundaries. For example, you can teach your child to keep his distance while your cat eats her dinner or while your dog chews on a bone. However, children this young can’t understand that a pet’s mind works differently than theirs. If your pet destroys a treasured item or plays roughly enough to hurt your child, your child might think your pet did it on purpose and feel justified in punishing the pet.

By contrast, an eight-year-old child fully understands that an animal has thoughts and feelings that are unique to her as an individual and as a member of a different species. Children this age have learned about animals through a combination of the following:

• Trial and error—for example, by getting direct feedback from a pet when she growls, scratches, runs away, purrs, licks and cuddles in response to a child’s behavior
• Watching both adults and other children interact with pets and modeling their behavior on the behavior of others
• Being taught that a pet is a member of the family and deserves respect and consideration
• Absorbing media depictions of animals that are sometimes realistic and sometimes misleading
• Learning about animals in educational settings, like school, zoos and aquariums

For many children, pets are like siblings. They evoke a range of emotional reactions in children. At times, a pet is an affectionate companion. On other occasions, a pet can be a source of resentment and jealousy. Younger children may become nervous when a pet misbehaves if they expect the pet to be punished. Even if your reaction is reasonable, the punishment can be upsetting for some children to witness. House soiling is especially problematic for youngsters who themselves are recently toilet trained. We know that teenagers rely on their pets for comfort and consolation when problems arise with peers, but they can also become irrationally enraged at their pets. For example, the destruction of a teenager’s personal items by a pet might result in a great deal of anger. Teenagers can also lose interest in their pets as they become preoccupied with peers. Later, they might feel guilty if their neglect caused their pet to be re-homed.

Encouraging Good Relations

To help your child develop a good relationship with your family pet, arrange interactions that produce positive responses in both of them. Most children benefit from being given pet-care responsibilities appropriate for their age. If your child wants and likes your pet, he’ll be motivated to carry out these duties. Studies show that when children help care for a pet, it increases their nurturing behaviors, and this is especially true for boys.

You should set reasonable consequences for a child who neglects his commitment to a pet’s care. A good way to determine the best consequence is to ask your child what would help him do the right thing in the future. When children determine the punishment, it’s likely to be more effective in changing their behavior. Depriving your child of access to TV or video games for a limited period of time is a typical consequence. Never threaten to get rid of a pet if your child fails to perform certain duties. If children feel that an angry parent can threaten their psychological attachment to a pet, they stop caring about the pet to keep from feeling vulnerable to future loss. Older children can use the pet-care skills they acquire at home to earn money outside the home. For example, they can advertise their dog-walking and pet-sitting services. When teenagers realize how much other pet parents value their pets, they’re inclined to think of pet care as an earned privilege.

Ideas for Healthy and Fun Interactions

Encourage positive activities for your child and the family pet. Play helps build mutual respect between children and pets in the same way that children’s play dates build healthy friendships. In the beginning, you can create games that require your child to rely on words and toys rather than direct physical contact with your pet. This minimizes the risk that your child or pet will be accidentally injured because one or the other is overexcited. It’s best to start by teaching your child rules for the game that are appropriate for his age. Then train your pet to respond to the same rules.

Children respond well to rules such as “trading up” and “no free lunch.” Show your child that he can gain control over your pet by using rewards and distractions. This will reduce his feelings of frustration. If anyone gets upset during play, a brief time-out is an effective intervention for both children and animals. Anticipate the possibility of needing to use time-outs, and establish safe areas where your child and your pet can be left alone, separately, for a brief period of time. For pets, 30 to 60 seconds is a reasonable time-out period. While one minute per age in years is the general rule for children, consult with your pediatrician to determine the appropriate time-out period for your particular child.

Age-Appropriate Activities for Children and Pets

For children between six months and two years of age:

• Young children in a high chair, a crib or a playpen can drop food for your pet to enjoy. (However, avoid using animal treats because your child might eat them. Also avoid letting your child give foods that might be dangerous for the pet. Please see our articles, Foods That Are Hazardous to Cats and Foods That Are Hazardous to Dogs, for information about which foods can hurt your pet.)
• Your child can lie on the floor, and your pet can jump over him.
• You and your child can hide and then call your pet so she can come find you.
• Young children love peek-a-boo games. Try holding up a cloth between your pet and your child so the child can’t see the pet. Then your child can pull the cloth down or pull it aside, revealing your pet.
• If your pet is very gentle, your child can smear his fingers and toes with peanut butter or cream cheese and let your pet lick it off. (Try this with your fingers first. If your pet nibbles or is too rough in general, choose other activities instead.)
• If your pet is well behaved, she can sit at the table with a plate of her own, and your child can share mealtime with her.

For children between three and eight years of age:

• Your child and dog can race with each other to a designated finish line. If necessary, you can run with your dog on a leash.
• Your child can throw a toy for your pet to retrieve.
• Your child, armed with treats, can hide while you hold your pet. When your child calls out, let the pet go to search for him.
• If your dog loves to chase water sprayed from a hose or water gun, your child can operate the sprayer or toy gun. Have him spray the ground a few feet away from your dog and then rapidly move the stream of water away from her, along the ground. (Just be sure to supervise water games closely, and watch your dog for signs that she’s not having fun anymore. If she isn’t actively chasing or trying to bite the stream of water, it’s time to stop.)
• Your child can blow bubbles for your pet to catch. You can purchase special bubble toys made especially for dogs, such as the Fetch a Bubble Big Bubble Blaster or the Bubble Buddy™. These toys produce flavored bubbles that are safe for dogs to ingest.
• Your child can wrap treats in layers of tissue paper that your pet can tear up—provided that she doesn’t end up eating the paper.
• Your child and your pet can team up to find treats that you’ve hidden. While the pet can excel at finding things hidden near the ground, the child can find the higher-up items.
• Your child can entice your pet to chase a toy tied to the end of a rope. You can also buy an inexpensive lunge whip from a horse tack or feed store and tie a ball or other toy to the end of it. Then your child can twirl the whip in a big circle and let your pet chase the toy.

For children between nine and thirteen years of age:

• Children can benefit from the structure of attending basic dog obedience classes with their dogs.
• Your child can play soccer-type games and Frisbee with your dog.
• Some children appreciate the challenge of a competitive activity, such as competing with a dog in flyball or agility.
• Your child can search the Internet or library to find new tricks to teach your pet, such as roll over, play dead, sit up and beg, and shake.

Safety Concerns

• Never leave a child under the age of three unsupervised with an animal. Children older than this should clearly demonstrate good judgment and self-control before you allow them to be alone with a pet.
• Don’t give your pet balloons to bite. Not only can your pet be very frightened by the noise or a popping balloon, but also children can choke on burst balloons if they imitate a pet’s use of her teeth.
• It’s a good idea not to allow your dog to play with your child’s toys and vice-versa.
• By two years of age, most children can learn to put their own toys in a box that’s inaccessible to a family pet. They can also learn to put away the pet’s toys in a separate box. If your child neglects to put away his toys and the pet chews on them, remove the damaged toy for several weeks. This will help your child learn to be more protective of his toys. Likewise, teach your child to leave your pet’s toys alone, except when they’re playing together. This is similar to training a child to leave his sibling’s things alone.
• Teach your child to read your pet’s body language. (To learn more about dog body language, please see our article, Canine Body Language.) Help him to identify signs that your pet wants to be alone.
• Teach your child the basics of bite prevention so he knows how to protect himself from an overexcited pet, such as rolling into a ball, protecting the hands and face, not running or screaming, and calmly calling for help. (Please see our article, Dog Bite Prevention, for more information.)
• Teach your dog to respond to the word “Stop,” and encourage your child to practice using that word when appropriate.
• Teach your child to leave your pet alone when she retreats to a bed or crate that you’ve designated as a “safe spot” for the pet. Establish that your pet’s right to end a play session is just as important as your child’s right to do so.
• If your child is under the age of 13, don’t leave him in charge of your pet outside your home, even if the pet is on a leash. Likewise, don’t expect a youth under the age of 15 to be able to control a pet in potentially dangerous situations, such as encountering loose dogs while walking the family dog.
• Don’t let your child’s friends bring their pets into your home without adult supervision.

Warning Signs That Your Child’s Behavior Is Unhealthy

Children may occasionally “experiment” with a family pet in ways that cause the animal distress. This is why it’s so important to supervise children and pets when they’re together. Children are interested in doing things that get a reaction from their pets. They love dressing pets up, bathing them, or applying makeup and hair products. This can make a pet feel uncomfortable or can even seriously harm the pet if she ingests dangerous substances. A child’s play behavior may involve chasing a fleeing pet, locking the pet in a closet or leaving the pet outdoors during a game of hide-n-seek. The child may unknowingly feed the pet harmful human foods, such as raisins or chocolate. Even if the child knows that certain medicines or vitamins are off limits, he may be curious to see what effects the pills will have on the pet. Children may do other disturbing things without realizing the implications, such as placing a tight rubber band around a paw, painting the pet’s body, even putting a small pet in a washing machine or microwave. Older children may stage fights between dogs or let one animal chase another.

If you discover that your child has done something serious like this, act swiftly and firmly to teach him that these behaviors are not acceptable. Use the same serious tone of voice that you would use if you saw him running across the street without looking for oncoming traffic. It’s extremely important that you don’t ignore or dismiss pet-unfriendly actions. Research suggests that if you deal with your child as though he’s committed a serious offense, most children never repeat these behaviors. An extensive lecture on empathy and respect isn’t as effective as a clear statement, such as “We don’t hurt animals.” For most children, empathy and respect toward animals are part of the normal socialization process. These values are instilled in the same way that the child learns not to hit his friends too hard or not to tease a sibling too mercilessly.

Never hit, shake or jerk your family pet in front of your child, even if you feel that the pet has done something wrong. Your child may imitate you inappropriately and go too far. If you overreact in anger toward your pet, show your child that it’s okay to apologize to the pet, just as you would apologize to a person.

If your child persists in hitting, kicking, pinching or teasing your pet in spite of your repeated corrections, consult with your pediatrician or an expert in child development. True malicious animal cruelty is not a behavior that children outgrow by themselves. Timely evaluation and a skilled intervention may prevent the emergence of related serious behavior problems. If your teenager uses the family dog to get involved in high-risk behaviors, such as dog fighting, you should check for undesirable peer pressures or the influence of alcohol, drugs or gambling.

Normal experimentation with pets becomes abnormal mistreatment when:

• In spite of your corrections, your child continues to harm your pet.
• Your child appears to derive pleasure from seeing a pet afraid or suffering.
• Your child responds to your reprimands by engaging in secretive hostile acts toward the pet.
• Your child engages in burning or teasing your pet with fire or firecrackers.
• Your child repeatedly seeks opportunities to show off inhumane handling of your pet to others.
• Your child puts your pet in dangerous situations, such as dangling her outside the window.

Harming the family pet may be your child’s way of crying out for help. It is imperative that you get his development back on track.

Pay Attention to Important Family Dynamics

There are certain family dynamics that can complicate owning a pet while you raise your children. For instance, if you’re an “animal person,” you may idealize the role a pet could play in the life of your child. Glorified movie images of the bond between children and animals distort the real-life challenges of raising your child and the family pet together.

• You may be disappointed that your child doesn’t seem to care about animals as much as you do. You may suspect that he resents the time and attention that you spend on the pet. This may be more likely if you spend time outside the home on dog-centered activities, like flyball or agility, especially if your child doesn’t enjoy participating.
• While you’re coping with the pressures of work and childcare, it may be difficult to recognize that your pet is also showing signs of stress. Unfortunately, failure to acknowledge a pet’s problem in a timely fashion may result in a dangerous incident that could lead to the pet being re-homed or euthanized. Either of these events can have a very adverse affect on your child, regardless of his age.
• You and your spouse may have somewhat different attitudes toward the family pet. For instance, your partner might be afraid of your pet, while you feel very fond of her. Your children can successfully adjust to this difference, as long as you resist using the pet as a reason to argue.
• You may have grown up in a culture that frowned on having pets share the home. Now you’re raising your children in a multicultural community where the neighbors have housepets. Understandably, your children may request a pet so that they can feel part of the local norms.